I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
