god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER