How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
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i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
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I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.