Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
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I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
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So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.