clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?