Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
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part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
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I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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