I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
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All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
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he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀