goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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