i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
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I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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