I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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