You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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