Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
birth control should be required to get into college
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
