Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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