Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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