My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Randomize
