I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
