I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
