Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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