Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
