i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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