I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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