I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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