My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
