Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
