cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
