I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.