Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!