come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
