I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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