Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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