i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
