I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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