My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I intend to get homeless drunk
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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