I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
