Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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