if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
