I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
