Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
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You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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