I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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