when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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