I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
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