"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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