My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
