singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
