So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Randomize
