Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
