I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
