Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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