Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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