Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
