i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
