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Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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