Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
