Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
