There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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