I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
