My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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