He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
