i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
