Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
